Two cents here - three cents there - and up goes the cost of U.S. postage. Some of the increased revenue pays for change of address cards, which are free at the post office.

When we moved, I sent these cards to friends and relatives I couldn't notify by e-mail. Yes, Virginia, there are people who don't believe in e-mail. That I'm sure about.

What I'm not sure about is the Postal Service itself. On many occasions I've waited so long for an expected letter I've been tempted to go to the post office and conduct a funeral service at the dead letter box.

I think mail service would be more efficient if it were run by private enterprise. Both FedEx and UPS deliver packages on time and with a smile.

The only time my mailman smiles is at Christmas. Next Christmas might be different. Instead of leaving his monetary merriness in our mailbox, I'm going to mail it to him.

At Christmas and throughout the year, our mailbox is stuffed with unwanted ads and catalogs. It's mailbox junk food.

What I want is first-class, fast food. Only bills come faster than expected.

"Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds" or so it says on a New York City post office.

The inscription was adopted from Herodotus, a Greek historian who lived from 485 to 425 B.C; but the word "swift" must have lost something in translation.

Lost mail is another problem. How often have you been told the check's in the mail, but you never get it?

If I were Post Master General, I'd make four, immediate changes in mail delivery. First, customers would no longer pay to mail letters and packages. They'd pay when they received them.

Second, the longer it took for mail to arrive, the less the customer would pay. Under this in"cent"ive plan, customers would be willing to pay up to forty-one cents per letter.

The third change I'd make would affect the mailing of bills. For bills the postage would continue to be paid for by the sender.

The fourth and final change I'd make would be in the delivery of mail. In order to guarantee on-time delivery, I would turn over delivery to private enterprise - to a delivery service that has never made one late delivery. Santa Clause would deliver the mail.

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KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life. Take a minute to make yourself smile at http://knightwatch.typepad.com